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How to Help a Friend
Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of gender, ethnicity, age, education, religion, disability status, or sexual orientation. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or in a dating relationship.
Abuse can take many forms and often begins by the abuser exerting control over certain parts of their partner’s life; the abuse then progresses in frequency and intensity. If you are unsure if someone you know or care about is in a violent or controlling relationship, please contact Someplace Safe.
Is Someone I Know in an Unhealthy situation?
- Does your friend or loved one…
- Have frequent injuries resulting from “accidents”?
- Frequently and suddenly miss work, school or cancel plans?
- Receive frequent calls from a partner?
- Fear their partner, or refer to a partner’s rages or behavior?
- Lack assertiveness or have submissive behavior?
- Isolate from friends and families?
- Have insufficient resources to live (money, credit cards, car)?
How Can I Support a Survivor of Domestic Violence?
If an victim of abuse has reached out to you for help, you will need to listen, talk with them, provide support and information, and offer to help in whatever way you can. The goal in assisting a survivor of domestic violence should be to help empower them to make the best decisions possible.
- -Allow them to tell their story.
-Let them know you believe them and want to hear about their experiences.
-Let them know you care about them and are concerned about their safety.
-Support their right to be angry.
-Don’t deny any of their feelings.
-Respect the cultural values and beliefs that affect their behavior.
-Know that they do not need rescuing.
-Help them assess their resources and support systems.
-Maintain contact. Physical and psychological isolation are powerful control tactics used by batterers.
-Let them know you are a nonthreatening, concerned ally who is able to see the reality of their situation and still respect them as a person.
-Repeat clear statements about their rights, such as “You don’t deserve to be treated that way.”
-Stay away from “you” statements such as “you should.” Instead, use “I” statements such as “I’m concerned.”
-Let them know that they do not have to endure their situation alone and that they deserve support.
-Offer telephone numbers of local resources. Contact Someplace Safe for information on our services and other local resources.
Helpers Versus Rescuers
In trying to be supportive, others can actually become overprotective to the point that they reinforce feelings of helplessness the victim is trying to overcome. Doing too much for someone implies that they are incapable of acting on their own behalf. The more the rescuer accepts the idea that the victim is helpless, the more the victim is forced into that role. The more helpless and dependent a victim feels, the less able they will be to act on their own behalf.
A Helper…
- Believes that a victim is in crisis, but with appropriate support, information, and resources can make their own decisions, determine their own fate and become a survivor.
- Listens for requests for help.
- Provides what the victim/survivor says they need.
- Checks in with the victim/survivor periodically.
- Establishes and maintains appropriate boundaries.
- Does most of the listening.
- Supports the victim/survivor as they make their own decisions and do their own work.
A Rescuer…
- Believes a victim is helpless and needs someone to save them.
- Gives help even when it is not asked for.
- Fails to find out whether the help is welcomed.
- Gives advice instead of information.
- Gives what they decide the victim/survivor needs.
- Does most of the talking and working.
