Home » Need Help » Sexual Assault » How to Help a Friend

How to Help a Friend

If someone you know and care about has been sexually assaulted, you may find this information helpful. They are suffering terror and feelings of helplessness which are perfectly rational responses to their experience. They need time and support to work through these feelings.

Your friend/relative’s reaction to being sexually assaulted is individual, and thereby, their pain and needs are unique. Let them take the lead in their own recovery. Right now they need to be in control of their actions. Don’t force them in any way. Regardless of how sincere you are, if they feel that you are being pushy or coercive, you won’t be helping.

Believe

Believe the experience without question. Do not blame. Whatever the circumstances, this person was not looking or asking to be assaulted. It is very common for a survivor of a sexual assault to blame them self.

Reassure

Reassure the victim that they are not to blame. Blaming questions such as “Why didn’t you scream?” or “Were you hitchhiking?” are not helpful. Instead you might say, “It’s difficult to scream when you’re frightened” or “Hitchhiking is risky, but you were asking for a ride, not to be assaulted.” Reassure the victim that:

1. The blame for sexual assault or abuse rests squarely and only with the assailant.
2. There is no way of knowing what would have happened if they had acted differently.

Respect

Respect the fear. Assailants commonly threaten to kill or seriously harm a survivor if they do not comply. Most survivors we have spoken to did not know whether they were going to live through the experience. This fear does not go away when the attacker does. This fear is real. Help them deal with it by finding ways to increase safety.

Accept

Accept the strong feelings that may surface. A survivor has a right to any emotion. They have a right to be numb, sad, angry, in denial, terrified, depressed, agitated, withdrawn, etc. Be supportive and accepting of all of their feelings, and create an atmosphere of warmth and safety where they can be comfortable. Tolerate their moods and be there.

Listen

Let the survivor know you want to listen. It doesn’t matter so much what you say, but more how you listen. Try to be mindful of what they are going through. Your loved one did the very best they knew how in a dangerous situation.

• Let them talk, and don’t interrupt.

• Show interest in what is being said by sitting close, facing, and looking at them.

• Nod your head occasionally to let them know you are still with them and listening.

• You may feel nervous about stalls and silences. They’re okay, just let them happen.

• If they need help to continue talking, try repeating back things they have said.

Be Attentive

Find a time to be alone with them. Ask what the they need from you. Offer to make time to be available to them.

Pay attention. This will help validate the seriousness of their feelings, and they need to work them through. Sexual assault is a shattering experience that a survivor does not get over quickly or alone. It may be months or years before they feel fully recovered. Recovery is a process of acceptance and healing which takes time.

Stay With Them

Stay with them as long as they need you to. One of the most upsetting losses experienced by rape survivors is the loss of independence and solitude. For awhile, many survivors feel too frightened to endure being alone. This will pass with time. Meanwhile, be good company.

Let The Survivor Make Their Own Decisions

Do not pressure them into making decisions or doing things they are not ready to do. Help them explore all of their options. It is essential to respect their confidentiality. Let them decide who should know about the sexual assault.

Care

Care about the survivor’s well-being as well as your own. In order to care about your loved one, you may need to cope with some difficult emotions of your own. If you are experiencing rage, self-blame or changes in how you feel about or towards them – you can be most helpful by finding ways of coping with your own emotions.

Sexual assault is not provoked nor desired by a victim. In fact, sexual assault is motivated by the assailant’s need for power and control and their desire to humiliate and degrade the victim. Someplace Safe has trained advocates who can also help you, concerned friends and families, sort through your own feelings and emotions.